“I don’t know why I’m so fortunate and so blessed. And, I know that my mom always told me that my grandmother was in the church, lighting candles, praying for her… And… I am a result of my grandmother’s prayers. And… my mother prays for me all the time, and I pray for my daughter all the time, and…
God is real. And God lives inside of me, and inside of all of us. And it doesn’t matter where I am. I know that and I feel it. Like, right now I’m hot. You know, it’s a tingling. I… It’s love, it’s… I feel it when I look at my child, I feel it when I look at my husband…
…it’s God.”
—Beyonce Giselle Knowles-Carter
Dear Reader,
This clip of Beyonce about a few months after she had Blue Ivy has always kept close. Because, what an honor it is to know you were a prayer, a want from one’s mouth to God’s ears, even if you didn’t realize it until you began fulfilling the purpose of your being here. And the people you serviced with your presence, who needed you, have been forever changed because you are still here. To know that someone whispered under their breath protection over your life because they knew God was real the moment you arrived.
I remember the night my sisters, mom, and I were in Chicago. My sisters had gone with the wedding party to a club, while my mother and I decided to go back to the hotel and sleep. In the room, I had taken a shower as my mother prepped for bed. And when I came out of the bathroom, I accidentally walked in on her sitting at the edge of the bed, hair tied and hands raised to the ceiling, her lips whispering a prayer to God. The conversation felt so intimate, I slowly backed away and let her have her moment. But my mother has always been vocal on how often she thanks God for the blessings he has provided for her and her family. And the reminder that our birth affirms her purpose on Earth feels so good.
I remember day I asked my father, who never really seemed like much of a believer to me (he never went to church with us growing up), if he prayed. And he said, “I pray every day, many times a day. I pray when I wake up. Right before I leave for work, I sit in the car before I pull out of the driveway. I pray as soon as I get to work, I pray during my lunch, I pray when I go to buy merchandise, when I talk to your mom or you girls… I pray all the time. I have so much to protect, that I must pray.”
If you take about 30 seconds, minimum, right now, to repeat that to yourself and then sit in that, a highlight reel of proof will come rushing in. The moments people thanked you, told you how important you are, didn’t know what they’d do if you weren’t here, how is it that you always say the right things at the right time, I appreciate the way you listen to me, you inspired me to chase my dream, I want to help you in any way I can, wow, what a blessing you are, I’ll pray for you…
–sighs–
Whenever my mind wants to play tricks and force me to believe I am someone unworthy, my therapist taught me to always, “Look for the evidence.” To find the truth in that one voice amongst the choir of lies. Like many of us, during the pandemic, I hit the lowest of lows. And when there was nothing left in me to hold captive, I relinquished any judgment or reluctance towards God that I previously felt, knowing there had to be something better than this rock bottom, and finally asked Him to take me, relieve me of the chatter, I want to feel new again, I want to feel your warmth… And so, I prayed. I looked into dark places to find some light. I became desperate for light.
I learned to confront the fear and confusion in a way I didn’t know I could do to quiet it. I wasn’t aware there was quiet to be had. But it was because I had a confrontation with the lies and spoke aloud the evidence I needed that was collected and laid out in front of me, that I was able to look at the lie for what it was and not be so intimidated. And that was through breathing, praying, and preparing.
I.
PAUSE /pôz/ · verb
1. a short period of inaction
2. to linger for a time
You can’t see straight if you’re running at full speed, and your mind is running the race with you. Something else my therapist told me a few years ago: “Sometimes when we’re feeling angry or depressed, all that energy you want to exude is a symptom of disappointment. You are angry because you are disappointed. Feelings have layers. There’s the outer, to the inner. Some people reside right at the crust. You…? Seems like you skip all the layers and go straight to the core. You feel disappointment so quickly, which makes your recovery that much more difficult; you have no way to process the disappointment between the layers.” That was my race. That’s how I ran away. I would rarely let myself feel the feelings through, I would just sink into the floor and fall into a darkness that pulled from my flesh. My depression was the hole I fell through and would take days to come out of. Until I began to breathe.
It’s imperative that the minute you feel the chaos try to seize your mind and heart, that you understand the mechanics at play here and remember that frenzy is not a place to birth peace from. And a chaotic mind is begging to be still. We have to be more dedicated to giving our spirits what they want by way of the body and the mind, two things that can be heavily compromised by trauma. Stillness presents a chance for your mind that wants no parts in processing, a moment to do so, and for your body with blood pumping through your racing heart, a moment to slow down.
I like to take a sharp inhale, ball my fists up, and feel my nails dig into my palms. I then exhale slowly as the pinch of the pain alerts me back to the moment. Once I am here, I don’t stop breathing. Depending on the impulse to run, my inhales may or may not be as sharp as they started. But, I’m breathing and I notice. And that’s the best place to breed peace. It’s knowing that the greatest thing we take advantage of is our breath, our evidence of life. And the moment you realize it, nothing else matters.
II.
PRAY /prā/ · verb
1. to offer devout petition, praise, thanks to God through deliberate communication.
The minute you caught your breath, you started the process of gratitude. Because the whole point of getting still and quiet is to listen. And listening is a skill that we, almost as much as breathing, take for granted. There’s an exercise one of my professors in film school gave us when writing: it was called, “My Life Is Perfect.” You’d write that phrase at the start of your essay and, through the perspective of your character, begin writing the ways they claim their life is perfect. She says that, eventually, what happens is that after they name what is perfect, the cracks of imperfection begin to naturally reveal themselves. We can’t help it; we run out of things to lie about. But not just that, as we speak, we HEAR ourselves lie. We hear the faux confidence we’re trying to project, all to avoid what actually is. Because to acknowledge it is too painful; you have to do something with it afterward, right? The next thing you know, as you hear their lies and walk around them, you begin to reveal their imperfections. And the truth shall make them free.
That’s what prayer does.
Prayer is a moment to hear yourself as you talk to God. Listen to your own revelation. Face yourself in the weaknesses you fell back into, in the correctness of living you abandoned for the familiar, in the lies you told yourself to interrupt the blessing around the corner. And when you get quiet to start and you catch your breathing and find thankfulness in it, you (can) start your prayer from that place. Start off just saying, “Thank you.” Capture the perfect things that you have. “Thank you for my family. Thank you for the food I get to eat after speaking with you. Thank you for giving me financial stability as I venture into my next me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”
There’s something magical that happens as you do this. It requires a lot of courage because you’re confronting something that feels so big, something you thought might have taken you out, and suddenly seeing it for the mouse with the great big shadow that it is. And then, you will hand it to God. And a lot of people forget that part about praying; you are praising God for His ability to be so creative, and then asking for mercy for undermining his capabilities so he can take the burden off you. You’re not supposed to carry it.
Stand in the truth that you’ve been impatient, you’ve been angry, you’ve been condescending, you’ve been loose with your tongue, you’ve been mismanaging your heart and time, and these are the reasons. The trauma that enforces these thoughts and wants to keep you here. Because it’s all flesh shit, and you are doing your best to rise above that. So, give it to him. Say it out loud, hear what you say, inspect it/look it over. Find the truth beneath the lies. Notice how big it’s NOT, and then give it away.
And after you’ve thanked Him. After you’ve told and inspected your truth and given it away, ask for the discernment to keep this house clean. Prayer is not about treating God like a genie. Prayer is a constant surrender of the control you thought you had and asking for mercy to be put on the path of focus again while asking God to hold your hand the whole way through so you don’t lose yourself. Our pain comes from trying to do His work. It’s not yours to do. Our job is to follow his instructions, and you can’t do that if you’re distracted by lies and unable to hear Him.
So, after you’ve said, “Thank you,” after you’ve said, “I’m sorry,” you say, “Hold my hand and lead the way.”
III.
PRE·PARE /prēˈper/ · noun
1. the action or process of making ready or being made ready for use or consideration.
Nothing you’ve been through, God hasn’t seen before. He knew before you did, and he knows what’s next. And in your prayers, in asking for mercy and asking for the tools to see what God sees for you, you have to do something what all of it.
It’s not enough to know the truth. It’s not enough to just ask God to hold you if you’re not preparing to walk WITH Him. You've been given weapons to fight lies and chaos, you have to know that asking for His guidance is to walk with you through the fight. And God will not fight the fight for you; he serves as your protector that wipes the sweat from across your forehead and pulls you up to keep going, but… you cannot be your next best self if you don’t know how to protect yourself while using God as He should be used. You have to be stronger than the lies, and in order to do that, you have to train because the lies will come back. They always do. ALWAYS. The voices will disregard your prayers and make you feel like all you did was say some things.
Leading the way means, “Guide me to my promotion,” and a promotion is something you must prepare to receive. If you ask for something but don’t make room to receive it, then it has no place to thrive. You will fumble it. You will destroy a beautiful thing that is only meant to raise you higher. Your growth needs a pot with fresh soil. Needs a willing person to water it and place it by the sun. It needs some other potted friends to communicate and grow with. It needs its seasons to shed old leaves and make new ones.
Preparation is the hardest thing because it requires action you haven’t done before. You are the most vulnerable when you’re finally learning how to trust the truth and not the lies because you are not used to this. But this is where God comes in. This is when you lean. This is when you get quiet and pray again for a little more support. This is when you confront your fear and see it for what it is. This is when you look for evidence that you’ve slayed dragons before, and you are about to do it again. That you CAN do it again.
You will get so tired. You will have so many days when prayer doesn’t seem like enough because you want evidence that seems immediate. You don’t want to feel because the breaking of your faux exterior hurts, man. But you’ve broken open before, and it did not kill you.
Remember, you are HERE.
You are afraid of surrender.
But trust, that you’ve done it before. And you will do it again.
Better this time. Stronger this time.
So you must pause.
You must be honest in prayer.
And you must be willing to prepare.
…so you can receive your promotion.
Promotion is advancement. It’s expansion. It’s getting closer.
And closer.
And closer.
So, if you don’t know what’s next, good. If you’re prepared to receive what’s next, good.
Just give it to Him. And you shall receive.
Love,
Cyn
the evidence in prayer.